i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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