i need an iv and a liver transplant
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
