I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
