The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
