We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
