Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
