i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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