Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
