and next time when you feel me up, do it right
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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