"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
