All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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