You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
