She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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