I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i love accidental penises.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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