I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
