You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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