i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
