oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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