It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
