he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested