haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
