If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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