Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
