It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
