So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
