Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
