Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
