if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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