I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
is that a dick in a sweater?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
