my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
