did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
