I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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