So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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