There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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