I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
