Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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