I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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