so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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