If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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