Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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