last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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