If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
