Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
