just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
