420 ftw
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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