Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
