I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
