i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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