we have pet lesbian snakes
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
