Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
