u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
