drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
