perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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