i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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