Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
