return my video game
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
