I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
