Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
